I wonder if other people go through this. The feeling of acceptance of a dark matter that is inescapable. Maybe it has to do with a sibling, like me. Maybe it has to do with a cousin, a parent, a friend. To call it dark is unfair. There must be balance in the universe, even in our small human ones in which we call our lives. Dark and light. Calm and calamity. That's what I suppose this is.
I'll cut to the chase -- my sister's court date is this Thursday. It was supposed to be last week, well, actually the week before that. (May 10th was my dad's birthday, then the next week, May 17th, was my parents anniversary -- isn't that something?) Anyway, due to some uncontrollable circumstances, the court date has been moved to this Thursday. No special personal holiday or cause for celebration this week. Just a normal May 24th. My parents will not be traveling 3.5 hours again for this one. They gave their testimonies the previous Thursday.
Her court date is for the judge to decide whether or not she should be committed to a state hospital for up to 6 months. She has been in Tallahassee's emergency mental center for 2 months...the most a patient is supposed to stay is up to two weeks -- tops. It isn't a great place. What mental hospital is? I walked in and thought I would see nurses administrating shock treatment.
"She's sick," my mother says.
Who are we to really know? Maybe Rachel really is from another planet. Maybe she really can speak to angels. It could be possible that she really is on a mission from God. Maybe she really doesn't need medication. She claims that she doesn't. Medication is poison, she says. Maybe she can heal herself. Or maybe she really is bi-polar, schizophrenic, or has some borderline personality disorder. Needs to be in a controlled environment and watched all hours. The only theory left is that she is possessed by some horrible demon that remains dormant, only waiting until things become too good to be true. My sister has the heart that Jesus himself would be proud of, but my sister is under constant attack from herself. She's a warrior, and I respect her for that, but she is has mistaken the enemy. She stands alone.
She's too much for this world. The world isn't big enough for her. If only I knew the solution. I don't. I have no other choice at this point but to agree with the rest of them. My sister is sick. My sister needs medication. My sister needs help. My sister will always be in the bottom of the spiral and will drag my family down with her if we let her.
I am choosing to be present at this next hearing. Rachel will be present for the first time (she was not in attendance last week for unforeseeable reasons). It will be my duty to testify against her if she is to make a case to not go to the state hospital. I would be doing a disservice to my parents if I didn't. Though, blatantly rejecting the service of my older sister will be one of the most difficult situations I have yet to face. My mother had it easy. She didn't have to look her daughter in the face that day. I have the high chance of doing so, and it rips at every square inch of my heart every time I imagine it. To be her last vague link of support, and then to destroy that link in front of 15 or more strangers.
She may scream at me, she may launch over the witness stand and attack me, she may weep in her seat and make a big scene. Or she may present herself quite tall and calm. I don't know which is worse.
Looking at the big picture, I ask myself, "what's the big deal?" Oh, right. Advocating to send a loved one away to a less than pleasant place (a dreadful place, I imagine) -- all against her will. She will be fighting and screaming the whole way through. It is supposed to be in her best interest. But again, who am I to know what is? Who are we? Best interest? Just another way of trying to make our lives more bearable. Put her in a "safe" place just so we can have our lives back. It's in her best interest.
It all seems so dark. But through all the chaos and stress, I do believe this situation has brought my remaining family closer than we would be if Rachel wasn't in her current state. We aren't the best communicators, nor the most affectionate, or that openly supportive. However, this thing with my sister has given us something to rally together for. Maybe that's her so-called mission: bringing a relatively normal, but distant family together. Balancing act.
I know everyone and every family has a similar situation or experience. Mine has been going on for 27 years, how about yours?
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