Nightmare

Many nights I have nightmares. Many nights I wake up alone in the bedroom, afraid to open my eyes, afraid to close my eyes. My only comfort is Myrtle Long-Cat laying on the pillow next to my face. Big orange and white ball of pet dander, dirt, dust, fleas and fur. Had she known my dream? Dreams. The most recent, but most recurring is the black shadow demon -- as I imagine it to be. It never comes to me in some abstract outlandish dream where I'm running through a maze of monsters, or slugging through hell.. It comes to me like I know reality, Always in my bed, silent, always while I'm sleeping, always the feeling of the present moment. I'm always aware, always chanting for God, and Angel Micheal to shield me. To lay a barrier of white light over me. "I am God's child" I say, "I am God's child. He is my power and my source." I tell it that I know it's there, "go away! you aren't welcome!" But it just sits on my chest, silent and strong until I realize it's all a dream and I wake up. These are the dreams. Then I rest in my bed without any sense of being surrounded by good, nor evil. Just me, feeling the drained energy of a warrior that has just battled something much larger and more mystical than himself. But this recent dream, this time, my voice failed me. The only weapon I had to protect myself was disabled.. I couldn't get the prayers out. Always fell short.. " Protect me Go--."  Gasping for air. Fighting to speak. Struggling to pray. I felt it slip in. I felt it feed off my curiosity, filling in the cracks of my psyche. Fortunately, and suddenly, it was pushed out as quickly as it entered and I wake up -- as I always do. Again, next to the cat. She seems to be doing alright. No strange glances across the room, no hissing, no running, just a strange stare at me saying, "why did you wake me up?"

I'm no longer afraid of it, of the thing that fights against me in my dreams. It has visited me since last summer. Each time becomes perpetually predictable. We fight, I struggle, I scream for the heavens, it ends. But, still,  I am afraid of one thing, and that is if it does win, if it does take me over, that I have no Godly idea that it did and I lose the battle without even knowing of my surrender.